I Feel Like I Just Woke Up From a Deep Sleep

I may have been depressed for years — and another surprising realization.

Photo by Nino Souza on Pexels

This week I’ve been feeling better, like myself again. And this has awakened the realization that I’ve been feeling not like myself for a long time — probably years.

I take antidepressants and they make a huge difference. For the most part, they keep me out of despair, although every so often I dip back in. But antidepressants aren’t enough. I’ve had this conversation with my psychiatrist several times throughout the years but somehow I keep forgetting: Antidepressants aren’t going to make me happy or give my life meaning.

Another conversation that keeps slipping my mind: My therapist once told me that she thought I’d been depressed the whole time I’d been seeing her — i.e., the past four years.

In my life, I’ve been depressed and I know what that’s like. I’ve had suicidal ideation and circled the depths of despair. So I think what happens is that when it’s not that bad, when I’m not wondering what the entire point of living is, I don’t realize that I’m depressed.

However, when I examine it more closely, it looks like this: Malaise. Just going through the motions. I think of it as emotionally flatlining. I call it Drudgery Mode and it seems to be my default setting — just doing the bare minimum (which, for me, as an overachieving perfectionist, tends to feel like a lot 😉) to get through the day.

But there’s no fun. No joy. No energy, excitement, or drive. Small tasks feel huge so they remain undone: Grocery shopping. Cooking healthy meals. Cleaning the bathroom. Decluttering a stack of papers.

This week, I somehow woke up and emerged out of Drudgery Mode. Here are some of the ways I wasn’t sleepwalking through my life this week.