I Actually Feel... Happy

It's an unfamiliar sensation.

Image by Alexa on Pixabay / Redesigned in Canva

Life has been… sort of good lately. It’s weird — but I could get used to it.

I think that because I had a chaotic childhood, I’m used to chaos; it feels familiar, if unpleasant. I’ve grown accustomed to being hypervigilant, always scanning the horizon for the next threat, and/or picking apart my current circumstances for what’s wrong and could be better.

In fact, when my mind is quiet and content, sometimes I catch myself trying to make trouble. I see my brain’s discomfort with happiness and watch it as it tries to draw my attention to some kind of problem, real or imagined. In those moments when I have the awareness to observe this happening, I’ll try to comfort myself and bring my mind back to the present. In this moment everything is fine, I’ll tell myself.

Although what I crave more than almost anything is serenity, stability, and security, somehow life and my subconscious continually conspire to present me with the opposite. For example, I want stable work and financial security, but I’m self-employed and my freelance life is rife with unpredictability. At times in the past when I’ve dated, I’ve wanted to find a partner who makes me feel safe, but instead have consistently found myself attracting (and attracted to) avoidants, alcoholics, and narcissists who’ve triggered my abandonment fears and sent me into emotional tailspins.

Anyway, in a surprising departure from my lifelong pattern, the past few weeks I’ve been feeling good, happy even. And my brain hasn’t been trying to talk me out of it.

So what’s been happening?